A funny thing happened today as I drove us back from a lovely sushi lunch--I lost control. My boyfriend sat in the passenger seat as I pulled out into the street to make our way back home. He seemed listless as he uttered, "I miss this place." ('This Place' being the town where he attended college.)
The only thing I could think of was how I miss New York everyday; so I said it out loud.
--And that's what seems to have caused the whole ordeal. I could not stop complaining about SoCal and listing off things I hated about it, to which my boyfriend finally responded (and rightfully so) by asking me to quit complaining. So I became silent and immature as if that would fix my frustration... and then there they came, one at a time, one after another, they fell from my eyes that hid behind a pair of brown sunglasses--they slid down my cheeks stinging with sadness.
It wasn't his fault that I felt this way--it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. The truth is, it had been wearing on me for a while... the spending habits, the "we'll get there when we get there" attitude... I knew in the back of my mind that it was these kinds of thoughtless delusions that would keep me from my dream. I knew that I had been ruining my plans every time I bought new shoes or went out for a coffee for the fourth time in a week.
So I cried because I needed to. I cried mostly because I realized it had been about a year since I had started making these plans and originally I thought I would have moved by now. I cried because I knew I messed up and I cried because I was PMSing and isn't it true that it always feels so natural to make that sad little monkey face and cry because everything hurts worse when its backed by those lethal, loaded hormones?
As I sat in that driver's seat (now parked by my boyfriends car) I let loose of everything that had been holding me back and not only vowed to return to that full speed ahead version of myself, but also promised to always keep this dream in mind and not take for granted how horrible it feels to realize you have put the most important thing to you on the back burner.
Meanwhile, as all of this is dramatically unfolding, my poor boyfriend still sits dumbfounded in the passenger seat--wondering what he did wrong to cause such a theatrical set of tears. Don't worry, I explained how I felt the best way I could and he was perfectly supportive. He assured me that we were still young and we would make it there eventually. He assured me that he could save for our future with his new job and that together we could make it there even faster.
He is so perfect sometimes I can't even believe it. Sometimes the most horrible events can bring about the most delightful realizations.
So today as I let my emotions take over, I also let my ambition defeat my materialism. I watched from inside as my world shifted once again and when I finally quit with the tears, I was able to smile knowing that today had been an important step along my journey.
