The Big (Apple) Rant

I can't believe I'm back here again! I feel like everyday my stupid shopping habits and spoiled spending make me step further away from this dream! This dream is everything to me, but how will I ever accomplish what I need to when I'm buying new FlipCams and whatever else?! I don't know what has gotten into me, but I'm at the point where I can't be more frustrated with myself.


So there is only one thing I can do to keep myself from going out and spending: I have to leave the credit cards at home again. That's right--NO MORE! Now, I'm not going to go so far as to give them to my Dad again and have them locked up... no, I will just keep them at home and trust that that will help this terrible habit!


I mean, I watch things about NYC everyday and ache to be there, yet I think it's okay to spend this way? I'm done. That's it! Every CENT I can save I WILL SAVE.


*BREATHES*


Okay, rant over. :)

It's Not Always Cold in NYC

So I realized that I might have become a little hostile toward the weather in California. It's just that I love NYC so much that I want life to be all things NYC. For example, I tend to hate on the heat in California and how it just sticks around until by the end of September you are still feeling beaten to death every time you step out of the AC.


I have sort of been dreading the looming onset of the crazy Cali heatwaves of summer this year. When it had been rainy and chilly, it reminded me of when I visited NYC so it made me feel a little more at home and cozy. When it gets super hot I feel like holing myself up for 5 months and waiting for mercy.


Anyhow, I thought it might be nice and friendly of me to recognize something I DO enjoy about the weather in my home state: those 3-5 days of blissfully perfect temperatures! You know the ones: not cold enough for a jacket, not hot enough to kill me... I think we finally got there. Now, I might be completely jinxing this by saying that because Cali weather is INSANE. We have literally had storms and the next day had sunshine, but I thought it would be nice to recognize how friendly the weather has been--that is, before it turns into the summer of burning hell.


So here's to you, Three Days of Bliss! Because it's not always cold in NYC, so I'm okay with feeling at home for a few days.
Until next time... Ciao!

An Attempt at Blocking Writer's Block

Let's just for a moment pretend that I had writer's block. And maybe this happened for about a month right as I was supposed to be working on four completely different and new stories--stories that are timely, stories that are being PUSHED. And while we are pretending let's just say I spent a whole bunch of money by going shopping instead of writing. So within this scenario, I think someone needs to be slapped. That someone being me.


Now, by saying this, I'm not totally admitting I had writer's block for a month and took it out on my credit card, but yeah, that's what I'm saying. So during this month of h-e-double-hockey-sticks, I experienced more "my-car-likes-to-die-at-the-most-inconvenient-times" dramas--one which happened to end in a speeding ticket I didn't deserve because two blocks earlier my car died and the speedometer went out. So as I'm spending valuable writing time at El Paseo dropping cash and opening new Banana Republic credit cards to get the discount, I'm also paying out the you-know-what for a ticket I don't think I deserve. All the while in the back of my head someone is screaming, "STOP YOURSELF! YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!"


The fact that I lost my mind completely didn't change the desire to move home (My NYC, of course), it just made me keeping putting off what I needed to do to get there. It was like when I had my dad put away my credit card for a month, getting it back made me think I should use it "while I can" (I use the phrase loosely.).


Okay, and I missed one major detail: My editor keeps telling me that one of my stories is the most important of the entire tab for this event and what am I doing? Lusting after shoes?!!


So here's how it went down: I metaphorically slapped myself in the face and sat down to conquer the big one--the article that is soooo important. I got the audio, got the quotes and started to slowly piece that thing together. About a week later, it was finished.


Today it was on to story two--one on the President of the Cherry Festival Association. I met him for breakfast and we talked for about an hour. It was a lovely conversation and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting it back again.... or at least I've had enough coffee to think I've got it back again.


Next will be wrestling down a man notorious for being unbelievably busy. This all has to happen before my trip to Vegas next week.


So a message for myself (after I just spent all this time rambling about life in an effort to feel inspired):
GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR!


The worst thing I could do is let myself get all "slumpy" again. I will not ruin my life! I will not rack up my credit cards! I will not lose New York because I'm sitting behind a smoke-screen of spending and procrastinating!


So as I sit here beside my recorder (which I am nothing without) and in front of my laptop, I have a fat, furry monster purring in my lap and I'm fighting with myself. The logical part of me says "Start--because you won't finish until you begin," and the weird, out-of-sorts writer in me says, "But I have to feel it... convince me that I do..." The trick is getting them to reason with each other.

The Itch That Never Sleeps

This is a topic I have covered many times over in this particular blog; yet isn't it interesting how so many things in life can go right, but I am still not satisfied? I have two jobs getting experience writing, I love working at Theory and getting free clothes, and I have somehow found a way to work things out with Starbucks for a while by working there very rarely. Everything seems to be falling into place, doesn't it? Not to mention my amazing boyfriend and everything I have put him through due to my own selfishness. I don't even have to pay rent because my parents are letting me live at home! I have such a sweet set up, yet I can't stop thinking about my move; for some reason, I just don't feel at home here.


Somehow it just feels like I am on a layover... the longest layover ever. It's like my life is being put on hold so I can wait to go home. I know it sounds pretty dramatic, but I think about the city everyday--every hour--every minute. I think about how my life would be there and no, I'm not so dim to think that once I get there it will be all peaches and pie. I know my life there will be full of long hours, tons of typing (if I'm lucky), and stinky public transportation; but I'm so in love with that place and everything it has to offer. I just can't wait for everything to change and my life to begin. I know I have a lot of steps to take still, but I feel like jumping as far as I can instead.


Even worse than the itch to leave is the itch to--you guessed it--SHOP. I swear, Spring and Fall are the worst times to try and save anything, especially when you work at a clothing store. I have given myself quite a bit of credit before about my abilities to resist a truly gorgeous shirt or dress, but my shield seems to have developed a peep hole which I choose to look through and find Barney's sale items and cheap, yet beautiful shoes from the mall. Now, I know I'll need a pretty solid wardrobe when I get to NYC, but for the love of God what is wrong with me? The more I buy, the more I will have to pack... and the less I can save. I guess sometimes a girl just needs an outlet... a Barney's Outlet, which happens to be conveniently located right around the corner from work. ;)


In other news, I have been given what has proven to so far be a difficult task: my editor sent me some story ideas for our local Cherry Festival and I can't seem to get a bite on anything! Now, I might be kind of busy with school and work and writing the reviews and having a boyfriend, but geez.... there has to be some time hidden in there somewhere. Maybe I'll just have to turn into the Journalist Who Never Sleeps working her but off to reach The City That Doesn't Either. (Don't judge my overuse of proper nouns--it's my creative right. :D That, and the smiley faces.)


So there you have it--my life may be busy, but I seem to be handling it okay. Except maybe those itches that just get harder and harder not to scratch.

My 'City Shell' Begins to Crack

It hurts so much to realize the thing you wanted the most might be gone in an instant. I can't make myself be who I feel I'm expected to be and that seems to get me in trouble--in many areas of my life. Sometimes you can't always be responsible or steadfast. Sometimes you can't always save all of your money and you have to let yourself spend it on something ridiculous. ...And sometimes you can't fool yourself into thinking one day you will be like everyone else.


The conversation I dread everyday of my life actually came up last night... about ten years too early. You see, I struggle everyday with the idea of having a child. I'm not pregnant or anything--I just think about this because the man I love so desperately wants to be a father one day when I don't even like children. Sometimes I think about our life in the future and I'm scared because I see him, so sweet and patient, waiting for me to come around and me not being able to.


I know he knows what a huge responsibility it will be to be a father and I honestly believe that the idea of it excites him to no end, but for me, it terrifies me that I won't be able to give love to someone because I'm too centered in my own world of goals, wants and needs. I've heard that having a baby changes you and maybe there were a lot more people out there like me before, but when they had their child, the world just shifted. I wish I could know how I would react to my baby; I wish I could know if ten years from now the only thing on my mind is having a baby.


I feel like I finally found the right person, but our relationship came along so early that neither of us knows what our future will bring. Oh, we have our ideas: I want to live in the city and become a writer; he seems to want to stay in California and become a teacher and a coach... and a father. It seems all too clear to me that he belongs here: near his family, raising a new one of his own; while I can only see my life in the city without any kids--living by fulfilling my own needs. When I try to see him there, I see the pain welling up in his eyes as he waits everyday for me to change back... back to the girl he met three years ago that was so set on becoming a housewife and doing hair for a living.


I once heard that people who choose to be confused are the ones that just don't like the idea of making a decision. I'm not sure I agree. Am I supposed to wait until one day my life leads me to become a mother? Am I supposed to throw away the best thing I ever had when I don't know what the future holds? Am I so strong-willed and selfish that I can't even begin to accept the idea of caring for another person? WILL I EVER change back?

Chinese Food with Matisyahu and ???

I find it unbelievably ironic that I am doing so much for my career, yet I don’t even have a car right now. That’s right, my car decided to go all Paranormal Activity on me again, so now it is back in the shop where it refuses to talk (it literally erased it’s computer’s memory, so the mechanics can’t figure out what’s wrong) and here I am getting rides everywhere I need to go.

Not only am I working my two jobs still, but I’m also now writing for two sources. Most recently, I have become an Inland SoCal Restaurant Reviewer for InlandSoCal.com and I’m also still writing for The Record Gazette of Banning. So in addition to getting rides to my jobs (located in opposite directions of my house), I also have to get rides to do interviews and reviews, especially if I’m really going to make my way in the writing world. To sum it up, when I say that I am determined to succeed, I MEAN IT.

Somehow wired off iced tea, I sit here in the location of my latest review, Best Wok Chinese Food, listening to Matisyahu on my computer and waiting for a ride from my grandma. I feel like such an oxymoron. From the outside, I look like some sort of successful business woman. I’m dressed in work clothes—black slacks, black button-up blouse, and a grey boyfriend blazer as I quickly type my thoughts onto my trusty, sunshine-yellow Dell. My foot vibrates against the leg of my stool and I can’t help but think about where I am.

I really am a writer, aren’t I? I mean, I write what interests me—what food is delicious—who I think is worth writing about—whatever—and people in the business find it worthy. I feel like this is only a small step toward my dream, but it’s a significant one. …And I’m happy…I’m blessed in my life beyond belief.
I feel like someone is watching me nodding and smiling as I go along in life. I swear sometimes I just get the random urge to dance and I don’t care who sees. Am I lucky as some have said or am I just being taken care of? And if the answer lies in the latter, is this an attempt to catch my attention?

I love Matisyahu—his music is positive and beautiful, yet now I seem to take from it more than I was before. I seem to be paying attention to the spiritual dimension of it more now than I have ever. I guess I want to believe that there is someone—something—taking care of me and making sure I’m smiling. Clearly not everything is going perfectly in my life; if that were so, I wouldn’t be waiting for a ride, but there has to be a reason that I feel so at peace despite the fact that I don’t currently have a car and I’m still living at home.

My inquisitive mind tells me to stay curious and find answers, while my spirit seems content to rest in this unexpected state of bliss. So for now, I have a message to this Being who is watching me in everything I do: Thank you for this… there is no way that it’s just me. Meet me for a chat? I’d like to see more of you.

Coffee Grounds for Opportunity

I never thought I would say this, but at this point in my life, I am in desperate need of a smart phone. I have gotten so busy! You would think that quitting my 40-hour-a-week office job would really free up my time, but you have to remember that that same day I landed a job as a newspaper stringer and a few days later, I was hired as a Barista.


Now, don't get me wrong: I am so in love with my life right now! I would have never imagined how much quitting the best paying job of my life would have changed it for the better. Not only am I writing for my local paper, I am also taking this time to build up my resume. I am definitely going to need these experiences before the big move.


The past few weeks have been such a learning experience in so many ways: not only am I writing more than ever, but I can honestly say I have never been so intrigued by coffee in my life. My interviews have also been very fun and informative, yet lately, I find that I have gotten more comfortable talking with people who are total strangers to me in most cases. At first it seems so awkward to walk into a person's life and expect them to bear all, but now it's just second nature. Stay curious--ask the right questions.


In addition to the features I have been composing for The Record Gazette, this week I will add blog reviews to my resume. Last Thursday, I received an email from one of my Journalism professors suggesting that I contact a woman from The Press Enterprise (a paper that covers the Inland Empire area) about doing some blog reviews on local entertainment and dining. I jumped on the opportunity and today I ended up writing my first review. I can't wait to see it posted--I really liked my approach.


As for the Lawrence Wright talk happening on Thursday night, I was scheduled to work until 9pm, but I'm hoping I will get lucky and be able to leave early although I'm not too keen on asking since this job is still fairly new.


Also, my parents ran into a woman who knows someone who works for Self Magazine in New York. I'm hoping I can get in contact with her and have lunch with her friend on the upcoming visit to the city.


Opportunites are flying in as I stand here wide-eyed and ready; I feel like now is the time I have to start proving myself to the Journalism world... no blinking!