Return to the NY State of Mind

A funny thing happened today as I drove us back from a lovely sushi lunch--I lost control. My boyfriend sat in the passenger seat as I pulled out into the street to make our way back home. He seemed listless as he uttered, "I miss this place." ('This Place' being the town where he attended college.)


The only thing I could think of was how I miss New York everyday; so I said it out loud.


--And that's what seems to have caused the whole ordeal. I could not stop complaining about SoCal and listing off things I hated about it, to which my boyfriend finally responded (and rightfully so) by asking me to quit complaining. So I became silent and immature as if that would fix my frustration... and then there they came, one at a time, one after another, they fell from my eyes that hid behind a pair of brown sunglasses--they slid down my cheeks stinging with sadness.


It wasn't his fault that I felt this way--it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. The truth is, it had been wearing on me for a while... the spending habits, the "we'll get there when we get there" attitude... I knew in the back of my mind that it was these kinds of thoughtless delusions that would keep me from my dream. I knew that I had been ruining my plans every time I bought new shoes or went out for a coffee for the fourth time in a week.


So I cried because I needed to. I cried mostly because I realized it had been about a year since I had started making these plans and originally I thought I would have moved by now. I cried because I knew I messed up and I cried because I was PMSing and isn't it true that it always feels so natural to make that sad little monkey face and cry because everything hurts worse when its backed by those lethal, loaded hormones?


As I sat in that driver's seat (now parked by my boyfriends car) I let loose of everything that had been holding me back and not only vowed to return to that full speed ahead version of myself, but also promised to always keep this dream in mind and not take for granted how horrible it feels to realize you have put the most important thing to you on the back burner.


Meanwhile, as all of this is dramatically unfolding, my poor boyfriend still sits dumbfounded in the passenger seat--wondering what he did wrong to cause such a theatrical set of tears. Don't worry, I explained how I felt the best way I could and he was perfectly supportive. He assured me that we were still young and we would make it there eventually. He assured me that he could save for our future with his new job and that together we could make it there even faster.


He is so perfect sometimes I can't even believe it. Sometimes the most horrible events can bring about the most delightful realizations.


So today as I let my emotions take over, I also let my ambition defeat my materialism. I watched from inside as my world shifted once again and when I finally quit with the tears, I was able to smile knowing that today had been an important step along my journey.

We Love New York ... in the Movies

My friend sent this to me and I got the chills and started tearing up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

The Big (Apple) Rant

I can't believe I'm back here again! I feel like everyday my stupid shopping habits and spoiled spending make me step further away from this dream! This dream is everything to me, but how will I ever accomplish what I need to when I'm buying new FlipCams and whatever else?! I don't know what has gotten into me, but I'm at the point where I can't be more frustrated with myself.


So there is only one thing I can do to keep myself from going out and spending: I have to leave the credit cards at home again. That's right--NO MORE! Now, I'm not going to go so far as to give them to my Dad again and have them locked up... no, I will just keep them at home and trust that that will help this terrible habit!


I mean, I watch things about NYC everyday and ache to be there, yet I think it's okay to spend this way? I'm done. That's it! Every CENT I can save I WILL SAVE.


*BREATHES*


Okay, rant over. :)

It's Not Always Cold in NYC

So I realized that I might have become a little hostile toward the weather in California. It's just that I love NYC so much that I want life to be all things NYC. For example, I tend to hate on the heat in California and how it just sticks around until by the end of September you are still feeling beaten to death every time you step out of the AC.


I have sort of been dreading the looming onset of the crazy Cali heatwaves of summer this year. When it had been rainy and chilly, it reminded me of when I visited NYC so it made me feel a little more at home and cozy. When it gets super hot I feel like holing myself up for 5 months and waiting for mercy.


Anyhow, I thought it might be nice and friendly of me to recognize something I DO enjoy about the weather in my home state: those 3-5 days of blissfully perfect temperatures! You know the ones: not cold enough for a jacket, not hot enough to kill me... I think we finally got there. Now, I might be completely jinxing this by saying that because Cali weather is INSANE. We have literally had storms and the next day had sunshine, but I thought it would be nice to recognize how friendly the weather has been--that is, before it turns into the summer of burning hell.


So here's to you, Three Days of Bliss! Because it's not always cold in NYC, so I'm okay with feeling at home for a few days.
Until next time... Ciao!

An Attempt at Blocking Writer's Block

Let's just for a moment pretend that I had writer's block. And maybe this happened for about a month right as I was supposed to be working on four completely different and new stories--stories that are timely, stories that are being PUSHED. And while we are pretending let's just say I spent a whole bunch of money by going shopping instead of writing. So within this scenario, I think someone needs to be slapped. That someone being me.


Now, by saying this, I'm not totally admitting I had writer's block for a month and took it out on my credit card, but yeah, that's what I'm saying. So during this month of h-e-double-hockey-sticks, I experienced more "my-car-likes-to-die-at-the-most-inconvenient-times" dramas--one which happened to end in a speeding ticket I didn't deserve because two blocks earlier my car died and the speedometer went out. So as I'm spending valuable writing time at El Paseo dropping cash and opening new Banana Republic credit cards to get the discount, I'm also paying out the you-know-what for a ticket I don't think I deserve. All the while in the back of my head someone is screaming, "STOP YOURSELF! YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!"


The fact that I lost my mind completely didn't change the desire to move home (My NYC, of course), it just made me keeping putting off what I needed to do to get there. It was like when I had my dad put away my credit card for a month, getting it back made me think I should use it "while I can" (I use the phrase loosely.).


Okay, and I missed one major detail: My editor keeps telling me that one of my stories is the most important of the entire tab for this event and what am I doing? Lusting after shoes?!!


So here's how it went down: I metaphorically slapped myself in the face and sat down to conquer the big one--the article that is soooo important. I got the audio, got the quotes and started to slowly piece that thing together. About a week later, it was finished.


Today it was on to story two--one on the President of the Cherry Festival Association. I met him for breakfast and we talked for about an hour. It was a lovely conversation and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting it back again.... or at least I've had enough coffee to think I've got it back again.


Next will be wrestling down a man notorious for being unbelievably busy. This all has to happen before my trip to Vegas next week.


So a message for myself (after I just spent all this time rambling about life in an effort to feel inspired):
GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR!


The worst thing I could do is let myself get all "slumpy" again. I will not ruin my life! I will not rack up my credit cards! I will not lose New York because I'm sitting behind a smoke-screen of spending and procrastinating!


So as I sit here beside my recorder (which I am nothing without) and in front of my laptop, I have a fat, furry monster purring in my lap and I'm fighting with myself. The logical part of me says "Start--because you won't finish until you begin," and the weird, out-of-sorts writer in me says, "But I have to feel it... convince me that I do..." The trick is getting them to reason with each other.

The Itch That Never Sleeps

This is a topic I have covered many times over in this particular blog; yet isn't it interesting how so many things in life can go right, but I am still not satisfied? I have two jobs getting experience writing, I love working at Theory and getting free clothes, and I have somehow found a way to work things out with Starbucks for a while by working there very rarely. Everything seems to be falling into place, doesn't it? Not to mention my amazing boyfriend and everything I have put him through due to my own selfishness. I don't even have to pay rent because my parents are letting me live at home! I have such a sweet set up, yet I can't stop thinking about my move; for some reason, I just don't feel at home here.


Somehow it just feels like I am on a layover... the longest layover ever. It's like my life is being put on hold so I can wait to go home. I know it sounds pretty dramatic, but I think about the city everyday--every hour--every minute. I think about how my life would be there and no, I'm not so dim to think that once I get there it will be all peaches and pie. I know my life there will be full of long hours, tons of typing (if I'm lucky), and stinky public transportation; but I'm so in love with that place and everything it has to offer. I just can't wait for everything to change and my life to begin. I know I have a lot of steps to take still, but I feel like jumping as far as I can instead.


Even worse than the itch to leave is the itch to--you guessed it--SHOP. I swear, Spring and Fall are the worst times to try and save anything, especially when you work at a clothing store. I have given myself quite a bit of credit before about my abilities to resist a truly gorgeous shirt or dress, but my shield seems to have developed a peep hole which I choose to look through and find Barney's sale items and cheap, yet beautiful shoes from the mall. Now, I know I'll need a pretty solid wardrobe when I get to NYC, but for the love of God what is wrong with me? The more I buy, the more I will have to pack... and the less I can save. I guess sometimes a girl just needs an outlet... a Barney's Outlet, which happens to be conveniently located right around the corner from work. ;)


In other news, I have been given what has proven to so far be a difficult task: my editor sent me some story ideas for our local Cherry Festival and I can't seem to get a bite on anything! Now, I might be kind of busy with school and work and writing the reviews and having a boyfriend, but geez.... there has to be some time hidden in there somewhere. Maybe I'll just have to turn into the Journalist Who Never Sleeps working her but off to reach The City That Doesn't Either. (Don't judge my overuse of proper nouns--it's my creative right. :D That, and the smiley faces.)


So there you have it--my life may be busy, but I seem to be handling it okay. Except maybe those itches that just get harder and harder not to scratch.

My 'City Shell' Begins to Crack

It hurts so much to realize the thing you wanted the most might be gone in an instant. I can't make myself be who I feel I'm expected to be and that seems to get me in trouble--in many areas of my life. Sometimes you can't always be responsible or steadfast. Sometimes you can't always save all of your money and you have to let yourself spend it on something ridiculous. ...And sometimes you can't fool yourself into thinking one day you will be like everyone else.


The conversation I dread everyday of my life actually came up last night... about ten years too early. You see, I struggle everyday with the idea of having a child. I'm not pregnant or anything--I just think about this because the man I love so desperately wants to be a father one day when I don't even like children. Sometimes I think about our life in the future and I'm scared because I see him, so sweet and patient, waiting for me to come around and me not being able to.


I know he knows what a huge responsibility it will be to be a father and I honestly believe that the idea of it excites him to no end, but for me, it terrifies me that I won't be able to give love to someone because I'm too centered in my own world of goals, wants and needs. I've heard that having a baby changes you and maybe there were a lot more people out there like me before, but when they had their child, the world just shifted. I wish I could know how I would react to my baby; I wish I could know if ten years from now the only thing on my mind is having a baby.


I feel like I finally found the right person, but our relationship came along so early that neither of us knows what our future will bring. Oh, we have our ideas: I want to live in the city and become a writer; he seems to want to stay in California and become a teacher and a coach... and a father. It seems all too clear to me that he belongs here: near his family, raising a new one of his own; while I can only see my life in the city without any kids--living by fulfilling my own needs. When I try to see him there, I see the pain welling up in his eyes as he waits everyday for me to change back... back to the girl he met three years ago that was so set on becoming a housewife and doing hair for a living.


I once heard that people who choose to be confused are the ones that just don't like the idea of making a decision. I'm not sure I agree. Am I supposed to wait until one day my life leads me to become a mother? Am I supposed to throw away the best thing I ever had when I don't know what the future holds? Am I so strong-willed and selfish that I can't even begin to accept the idea of caring for another person? WILL I EVER change back?