Not So 'Bleecker' After All

[Actual Date: January 16, 2011:]


Even as I’m thousands of feet in the sky, it still doesn’t seem real to me. I didn’t sleep at all last night and at 4:15 in the morning I was wide awake and ready to pack up the car. Two years ago I decided that my future home would be across the country and yet still I can’t believe I’m actually headed there now.


About two months prior to this morning, I was checking my email and discovered something sent by the New Yorker newsletter. The message literally spoke directly to me… “Love to write? Seriously obsessed with NYC?” Um, yes and YES. –And that’s how I discovered what, for me, would not only be the beginning of the actualization of my dream, but also the start of a whole new reality check.


I giggled and bounced around on my bed at first—that is, until I caught a look at the tuition fees. Turns out, although “discounted,” this college’s prestige would be directly proportionate to its price. At first, I was in shock—‘don’t they know this is a recession?!’ I put the thought of ever making this happen behind me and decided I should just focus on saving and finishing my degree in California.


However, a few weeks later, my boyfriend brought up the idea again and asked how the application process had been going. I was forced to admit that I was putting off applying due to what I considered some very obscene tuition costs. –But he wouldn’t have any of my excuses and he made it known how upsetting it would be if I didn’t even try. So, somewhat reluctantly, I filled out my application and turned it in. He was right: I couldn’t just let the opportunity slip by.


A week or so later, I got an email from the dean of the college informing me that I would soon receive an acceptance letter in the mail. I was elated; by that time, I had resigned myself to the fact that sometimes it’s worth putting yourself in debt to pursue your dreams. I bought warm jackets, ear muffs, boots, and scarves to prepare myself for the cold. Later on, I jumped on board completely and bought my nonrefundable plane ticket before I had even taken care of the tuition costs. I just assumed that applying for a loan would be easy and getting the funds would be fast.
Oh, how naive a 21-year-old girl with barely any credit can be. When I finally applied for my loans, lo and behold: I was NOT a desirable candidate! (‘--But if they only knew me!!’) When I was told I needed a cosigner, I felt like all hope was lost. I began to once again put my hopes of moving far away and just assume that this time it wasn’t meant to be.


Little did I know what was in store.


My mom came up to me and, noticing I was feeling pretty low, suggested that we sit down and pray. I wasn’t immediately open to the idea (as many stubborn people often prefer to wallow in their pathos) but after a little encouragement and a long talk, I was ready to face a God that I hadn’t been able to speak to in quite some time.
After we prayed, I felt as if no matter what the outcome, I could finally rest in knowing it would be the right choice either way. Relaxed, yet still a little teary-eyed, I looked at my mom as she hugged me goodnight and assured me everything would be figured out in the morning. How she knew this—I still have no idea.


Yet, sure enough, I woke up the next morning and the first thought on my mind was ‘Thank God I’m at peace today…’ Immediately after this little prayer, I heard a muffled noise coming from under my pillow. Long story short, within two days, God had provided a way to help make my dream come true. I guess all things are possible…

Staying Grounded

There is a little tree just outside my bedroom window. It's still pretty new from when we moved into this house about 7 years ago. During this time, in the dead of winter, it struggles to keep what leaves it has left. The trunk is small, but sturdy at the base and as the tree grows up toward the sky, its branches seem to be reaching out in such random and opposite directions.


Today I'm looking out my window at this tree as the cold winter wind is batting those scrawny little branches back and forth. It kind of reminds me of something from a Tim Burton movie. The wind will hit, and the whole top half of that new little tree begins to toss almost violently--frantically. I'm looking out my window at this tree and I realize we are the same.


I'm moving to New York for a semester of school and this morning all I could think of is how much needed to be done. My branches were reaching out in every direction they could, but they were just letting the wind beat them tired. God kept telling me to sit down and ask for His help, but for the first few hours I was awake, I found myself sending up short little telegram prayers instead of sitting and spending quality time with Him like He wanted.


Finally, I sat down, turned off my music, and began to also work on turning off my anxieties. I asked God what He wanted for me today and He gave me these verses:


"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15b


"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!" -Isaiah 30:18


It seemed pretty clear that God wanted me to be quiet and wait on Him and as I sat alone with my eyes closed and my head lifted to Him, I waited for my directions.


After a few moments, I opened my window and sat on the floor in front of it to watch and wait for a message. Yes, I noticed the colors and the beauty of the nature just outside my house, but the first thing I noticed was the wind. I remembered a time almost ten years ago when I sat outside and asked God to show me He was there. I asked Him to make the wind blow so that I could feel Him. When I opened my eyes that day, the palm trees were being blown so hard they were nearly bent sideways. Ever since, the wind has reminded me that God is always there. I smiled as I realized that God wanted me to know He was there with me today just as He always has been.


That's when I noticed the tree.


Branches blowing, leaves hanging on for dear life, I knew it was important to watch this little tree struggle. The whole top half was being beaten back and forth as I continued to watch. Yet after a few minutes of this, I finally noticed what God wanted me to see. The small trunk of that tree moved less and less the closer it got to the base: God.


My dad has always told me to keep my "foundation" firm and this was such a wonderful example. Although the top of my tree may be beaten back and forth as I reach in all directions, the trunk of my tree is God and it keeps me sturdy. No matter how hard life beats at my branches, my trunk is rooted deep enough to keep me in the ground. So today I rest in His salvation and let the quiet be my strength.

Mending the Brooklyn Bridge

I have been thinking a lot lately about broken bridges and mending fences and I've come to the conclusion that those bridges can be mended, too. I think it is important to live in harmony and invite healing into your life whenever possible. The world is often a lot about hate, so why not try the opposite?


In the past year, I have said and done a few things I'm not necessarily proud of. I broke off budding relationships, as well as ones I had been a part of for a little longer. I used to think of myself as a cold and unattached person--able to let go of almost anyone like it was nothing. However, treating relationships this way (no matter how developed or not) always seems to leave me feeling a little bit off. So what now? If I see that person, I ignore them? It's just so middle school of me.


So maybe I can't take back the things I said or did to nearly ruin a relationship, but I can apologize for them and make an effort to grow into a more mature person who will hopefully handle the next situation with a little more wisdom.


I know that there are times I have let my emotions carry me, but I also know that where there may have been a dark past, there can still be a bright future.


(Dedicated to anyone who may have seen my dark side, but is willing to help me return to the light. :) Attraversiamo... "Let's cross over.")

Return to the NY State of Mind

A funny thing happened today as I drove us back from a lovely sushi lunch--I lost control. My boyfriend sat in the passenger seat as I pulled out into the street to make our way back home. He seemed listless as he uttered, "I miss this place." ('This Place' being the town where he attended college.)


The only thing I could think of was how I miss New York everyday; so I said it out loud.


--And that's what seems to have caused the whole ordeal. I could not stop complaining about SoCal and listing off things I hated about it, to which my boyfriend finally responded (and rightfully so) by asking me to quit complaining. So I became silent and immature as if that would fix my frustration... and then there they came, one at a time, one after another, they fell from my eyes that hid behind a pair of brown sunglasses--they slid down my cheeks stinging with sadness.


It wasn't his fault that I felt this way--it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. The truth is, it had been wearing on me for a while... the spending habits, the "we'll get there when we get there" attitude... I knew in the back of my mind that it was these kinds of thoughtless delusions that would keep me from my dream. I knew that I had been ruining my plans every time I bought new shoes or went out for a coffee for the fourth time in a week.


So I cried because I needed to. I cried mostly because I realized it had been about a year since I had started making these plans and originally I thought I would have moved by now. I cried because I knew I messed up and I cried because I was PMSing and isn't it true that it always feels so natural to make that sad little monkey face and cry because everything hurts worse when its backed by those lethal, loaded hormones?


As I sat in that driver's seat (now parked by my boyfriends car) I let loose of everything that had been holding me back and not only vowed to return to that full speed ahead version of myself, but also promised to always keep this dream in mind and not take for granted how horrible it feels to realize you have put the most important thing to you on the back burner.


Meanwhile, as all of this is dramatically unfolding, my poor boyfriend still sits dumbfounded in the passenger seat--wondering what he did wrong to cause such a theatrical set of tears. Don't worry, I explained how I felt the best way I could and he was perfectly supportive. He assured me that we were still young and we would make it there eventually. He assured me that he could save for our future with his new job and that together we could make it there even faster.


He is so perfect sometimes I can't even believe it. Sometimes the most horrible events can bring about the most delightful realizations.


So today as I let my emotions take over, I also let my ambition defeat my materialism. I watched from inside as my world shifted once again and when I finally quit with the tears, I was able to smile knowing that today had been an important step along my journey.

We Love New York ... in the Movies

My friend sent this to me and I got the chills and started tearing up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

The Big (Apple) Rant

I can't believe I'm back here again! I feel like everyday my stupid shopping habits and spoiled spending make me step further away from this dream! This dream is everything to me, but how will I ever accomplish what I need to when I'm buying new FlipCams and whatever else?! I don't know what has gotten into me, but I'm at the point where I can't be more frustrated with myself.


So there is only one thing I can do to keep myself from going out and spending: I have to leave the credit cards at home again. That's right--NO MORE! Now, I'm not going to go so far as to give them to my Dad again and have them locked up... no, I will just keep them at home and trust that that will help this terrible habit!


I mean, I watch things about NYC everyday and ache to be there, yet I think it's okay to spend this way? I'm done. That's it! Every CENT I can save I WILL SAVE.


*BREATHES*


Okay, rant over. :)

It's Not Always Cold in NYC

So I realized that I might have become a little hostile toward the weather in California. It's just that I love NYC so much that I want life to be all things NYC. For example, I tend to hate on the heat in California and how it just sticks around until by the end of September you are still feeling beaten to death every time you step out of the AC.


I have sort of been dreading the looming onset of the crazy Cali heatwaves of summer this year. When it had been rainy and chilly, it reminded me of when I visited NYC so it made me feel a little more at home and cozy. When it gets super hot I feel like holing myself up for 5 months and waiting for mercy.


Anyhow, I thought it might be nice and friendly of me to recognize something I DO enjoy about the weather in my home state: those 3-5 days of blissfully perfect temperatures! You know the ones: not cold enough for a jacket, not hot enough to kill me... I think we finally got there. Now, I might be completely jinxing this by saying that because Cali weather is INSANE. We have literally had storms and the next day had sunshine, but I thought it would be nice to recognize how friendly the weather has been--that is, before it turns into the summer of burning hell.


So here's to you, Three Days of Bliss! Because it's not always cold in NYC, so I'm okay with feeling at home for a few days.
Until next time... Ciao!