My 'City Shell' Begins to Crack

It hurts so much to realize the thing you wanted the most might be gone in an instant. I can't make myself be who I feel I'm expected to be and that seems to get me in trouble--in many areas of my life. Sometimes you can't always be responsible or steadfast. Sometimes you can't always save all of your money and you have to let yourself spend it on something ridiculous. ...And sometimes you can't fool yourself into thinking one day you will be like everyone else.


The conversation I dread everyday of my life actually came up last night... about ten years too early. You see, I struggle everyday with the idea of having a child. I'm not pregnant or anything--I just think about this because the man I love so desperately wants to be a father one day when I don't even like children. Sometimes I think about our life in the future and I'm scared because I see him, so sweet and patient, waiting for me to come around and me not being able to.


I know he knows what a huge responsibility it will be to be a father and I honestly believe that the idea of it excites him to no end, but for me, it terrifies me that I won't be able to give love to someone because I'm too centered in my own world of goals, wants and needs. I've heard that having a baby changes you and maybe there were a lot more people out there like me before, but when they had their child, the world just shifted. I wish I could know how I would react to my baby; I wish I could know if ten years from now the only thing on my mind is having a baby.


I feel like I finally found the right person, but our relationship came along so early that neither of us knows what our future will bring. Oh, we have our ideas: I want to live in the city and become a writer; he seems to want to stay in California and become a teacher and a coach... and a father. It seems all too clear to me that he belongs here: near his family, raising a new one of his own; while I can only see my life in the city without any kids--living by fulfilling my own needs. When I try to see him there, I see the pain welling up in his eyes as he waits everyday for me to change back... back to the girl he met three years ago that was so set on becoming a housewife and doing hair for a living.


I once heard that people who choose to be confused are the ones that just don't like the idea of making a decision. I'm not sure I agree. Am I supposed to wait until one day my life leads me to become a mother? Am I supposed to throw away the best thing I ever had when I don't know what the future holds? Am I so strong-willed and selfish that I can't even begin to accept the idea of caring for another person? WILL I EVER change back?

Chinese Food with Matisyahu and ???

I find it unbelievably ironic that I am doing so much for my career, yet I don’t even have a car right now. That’s right, my car decided to go all Paranormal Activity on me again, so now it is back in the shop where it refuses to talk (it literally erased it’s computer’s memory, so the mechanics can’t figure out what’s wrong) and here I am getting rides everywhere I need to go.

Not only am I working my two jobs still, but I’m also now writing for two sources. Most recently, I have become an Inland SoCal Restaurant Reviewer for InlandSoCal.com and I’m also still writing for The Record Gazette of Banning. So in addition to getting rides to my jobs (located in opposite directions of my house), I also have to get rides to do interviews and reviews, especially if I’m really going to make my way in the writing world. To sum it up, when I say that I am determined to succeed, I MEAN IT.

Somehow wired off iced tea, I sit here in the location of my latest review, Best Wok Chinese Food, listening to Matisyahu on my computer and waiting for a ride from my grandma. I feel like such an oxymoron. From the outside, I look like some sort of successful business woman. I’m dressed in work clothes—black slacks, black button-up blouse, and a grey boyfriend blazer as I quickly type my thoughts onto my trusty, sunshine-yellow Dell. My foot vibrates against the leg of my stool and I can’t help but think about where I am.

I really am a writer, aren’t I? I mean, I write what interests me—what food is delicious—who I think is worth writing about—whatever—and people in the business find it worthy. I feel like this is only a small step toward my dream, but it’s a significant one. …And I’m happy…I’m blessed in my life beyond belief.
I feel like someone is watching me nodding and smiling as I go along in life. I swear sometimes I just get the random urge to dance and I don’t care who sees. Am I lucky as some have said or am I just being taken care of? And if the answer lies in the latter, is this an attempt to catch my attention?

I love Matisyahu—his music is positive and beautiful, yet now I seem to take from it more than I was before. I seem to be paying attention to the spiritual dimension of it more now than I have ever. I guess I want to believe that there is someone—something—taking care of me and making sure I’m smiling. Clearly not everything is going perfectly in my life; if that were so, I wouldn’t be waiting for a ride, but there has to be a reason that I feel so at peace despite the fact that I don’t currently have a car and I’m still living at home.

My inquisitive mind tells me to stay curious and find answers, while my spirit seems content to rest in this unexpected state of bliss. So for now, I have a message to this Being who is watching me in everything I do: Thank you for this… there is no way that it’s just me. Meet me for a chat? I’d like to see more of you.

Coffee Grounds for Opportunity

I never thought I would say this, but at this point in my life, I am in desperate need of a smart phone. I have gotten so busy! You would think that quitting my 40-hour-a-week office job would really free up my time, but you have to remember that that same day I landed a job as a newspaper stringer and a few days later, I was hired as a Barista.


Now, don't get me wrong: I am so in love with my life right now! I would have never imagined how much quitting the best paying job of my life would have changed it for the better. Not only am I writing for my local paper, I am also taking this time to build up my resume. I am definitely going to need these experiences before the big move.


The past few weeks have been such a learning experience in so many ways: not only am I writing more than ever, but I can honestly say I have never been so intrigued by coffee in my life. My interviews have also been very fun and informative, yet lately, I find that I have gotten more comfortable talking with people who are total strangers to me in most cases. At first it seems so awkward to walk into a person's life and expect them to bear all, but now it's just second nature. Stay curious--ask the right questions.


In addition to the features I have been composing for The Record Gazette, this week I will add blog reviews to my resume. Last Thursday, I received an email from one of my Journalism professors suggesting that I contact a woman from The Press Enterprise (a paper that covers the Inland Empire area) about doing some blog reviews on local entertainment and dining. I jumped on the opportunity and today I ended up writing my first review. I can't wait to see it posted--I really liked my approach.


As for the Lawrence Wright talk happening on Thursday night, I was scheduled to work until 9pm, but I'm hoping I will get lucky and be able to leave early although I'm not too keen on asking since this job is still fairly new.


Also, my parents ran into a woman who knows someone who works for Self Magazine in New York. I'm hoping I can get in contact with her and have lunch with her friend on the upcoming visit to the city.


Opportunites are flying in as I stand here wide-eyed and ready; I feel like now is the time I have to start proving myself to the Journalism world... no blinking!

Lawrence Wright!

I hate posting dinky little blogs that look stupid, but I just had to say it: LAWRENCE WRIGHT is going to be giving a speech UCR!!! Oh wait, most of you don't live a world where Lawrence Wright is practically your idol. Lawrence Wright is a VERY successful journalist who writes for The New Yorker! Therefore, it is imperative for me to RSVP to this thing and go so I can talk with him and network and see how he did it! I mean, this is my DREAM JOB and the guy is coming to the I.E.! Geez, this is probably the worst (from a literary point of view) post I have ever written... don't judge me for being an excited English nerd.

Move On and Up

I've learned a lot from life and sometimes just when I think that I've learned it all, life brings me back to reality. I had an experience like this today. I guess you could say that my success in starting out my career in Journalism had gotten to my head. I just couldn't help but be proud of myself. I was published again--accomplished. Someone read my work and thought I was good... in fact, more than one person did.


I had written another article for my new series running in the local paper and I was starting on my third one. The interview was done and all I needed was to put the quotes into a finished piece. It was brought to my attention that I should cover another very interesting story in a timely manner. I saved what I had done on the third article and began to immediately pursue the new subject.


The next morning I got a voicemail from the subject and was excited to jump on the new article. I got home and checked my email only to find an email from my editor explaining that I was not assigned that article; another reporter was.


At first I was upset: I had done the "grunt work" to track down the subject and I thought I would be reaping the benefit of writing a gripping piece. I guess I just had to learn that things don't always work out. Even though I disagreed with the verdict, there was really nothing I could do. I decided to pick my bottom jaw off the ground and go back to finishing the third article.


If there is one thing I can say about this whole experience of life it's that you don't always get what you want or expect. "... but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need!" Thank God for the Stones. At least I'm still gaining experience to reach my dream... and that's just exactly what I need.

A Spark to Light a Dream in the Distance

For once in my life I'm at an absence for the correct words. I have been published for the second time at the age of twenty; nothing can accurately describe how wonderful it feels to me. I guess, in short, I will say this: Nothing makes a writer feel more accomplished than when she pours her soul into her writing and an editor reads it and deems it worthy of publication. I could not feel more honored to have my work in the local paper this week. Hopefully there will be more successes to come.


Until next time, I'll be seeing you--you'll be reading me.

On the Corner of Gumption and Zest

In the short space of a week, I have gone from miserable in a cramped cubicle to out in the world and happy as I've ever been. Instead of discovering yet another source of corruption, I have discovered the delight of sipping the right cup of coffee with the perfect piece of chocolate. Rather than sitting at my desk waiting for my life to begin, I have made it happen. One decision can make all the difference. If I would not have written my resignation letter, I would not have already written my first article for the newspaper and started on the next one. I would not have been hired as a Barista. If that letter was never delivered, I would be waking up at 6 AM tomorrow to make my way through the 7:30 traffic to a place where I didn't belong.


Thankfully, I developed a trait that I have found very handy in the past week: GUMPTION. I was bold enough to quit the highest paying job I have ever had in order to pursue my true passion: writing. I was able to muster enough guts to do it my way and by doing that I caught the attention of two very important people who held the power to give me exactly what I wanted--and did.


The day I quit my job, I went straight to the local newspaper publication to follow up on a call I believed I was getting from opportunity. My heart must have heard correctly because one visit to that paper got me a meeting with the editor and a chance to show the world (or at least the local area) what I'm made of. By that evening I had received my first assignment as the new stringer for the Gazette and I don't think I had ever been so excited. Needless to say, I landed the interview with my subject the next morning and sent my finished article to the editor that night.



I'm now faced with the challenge of doing a series of stories similar to the one I sent in a few nights ago. I have compiled a list of about fifteen ideas, and tonight I did an interview in order to start article two of the series. I know I can handle this, I just can't wait to prove it to the world.


Tomorrow holds quite a few beginnings in this new chapter of my life: I'm being trained as a Barista at my brand new job and I'm finishing article number two (not to mention my homework).


As far as the knowledge I'm gaining, I can't think of much else to say except that it has proven to be limitless.


Yet, the most important lesson of all seems to be to have the gumption to reach for something more--I know I'll never regret it.