Happy--with a Chance of Satisfaction?

I was browsing through some more apartments on citi-habitats.com this morning when I came across something nearly indescribable. Yes, I find many of the apartments lovely, but what I came across wasn't really a tangible thing; it was a feeling.


As I clicked through the pictures of tiny, cheap Manhattan studios, I was overcome by a very complicated feeling. To start, I was happy--I was overjoyed to see how cute some of the lower-priced apartments where. I was happy because I knew I would be there someday. However, I was also filled with longing. I sat at my work desk surrounded by files and paperwork and could not think of anywhere I wanted to be less. I was hoping I could fold my arms and wink my way to those apartments; if only we all had I Dream of Genie powers to take us away.


I find it a little perplexing how my moods seem to roll and surge, but at least they make my life interesting. The other day I wrote about happiness--and I'm not saying I have lost that--I just find it interesting how a person can feel happy overall and still be unsatisfied.


Then I had a thought: What if no one is ever satisfied? Are we all doomed to roam the earth searching for our next goal--the next mountain to climb?


What if people could stop talking about living in the moment and just do it? I mean, I will make it to New York because I have to; I won't rest until I do what I have set out to accomplish. However, what if I could just be satisfied to look at those wonderful apartments until I can get there and have one. Why must I feel a rush of dissatisfaction every time I log onto that site?


In keeping with my New Year resolution, I would hope that I could find a place of satisfaction in the moment. I would hope that at some point I can enjoy what I'm doing just for the time that I am doing it.

Climbing Mountains

The year is almost up and I can't help but reflect on how far everything has come. It has been about a year since my best friend moved to the Bay Area; a year has passed since I realized my career passion--journalism--and "re-realized" the passion I have for the man I love. About a year-and-a-half ago I finally rid myself of one of the most literally toxic "relationships" of my life. Since the beginning of last year, my best friend has moved, fallen in love, completed culinary school, and is now about to go on the biggest journey of her life--I could not be more proud of who she is. I have no clue where that person is who taught me so much last year... although I had to learn from my mistakes, I still thank him for somehow aiding in my "life education." About half a year ago, I found a goal and since then I have discovered the true meanings of the words drive and determination.


I can't be more thankful for how lucky I have been in life. I have made a lot of mistakes to get where I am now, but I love the person I have become and where I am in life. I started this blog feeling somewhat negative about my life and I'm proud to say that I can feel that turning around.


It had been a long time since I noticed the beauty of the Southern California mountains out my window each morning. I had driven to work everyday focused on how tired I was and how much I wanted to be somewhere else. As I crawled through the traffic on the 10 freeway, I felt as if I was dragging myself to work each day, waited for my life to begin. It's interesting how one little detail about a place can turn a person's thoughts upside down.


The morning I noticed the mountains again was clear and crisp; I must have been in a good mood because it actually felt like winter outside. One of my favorite radio stations just seemed to play all the right songs in a row and as I come up through the valley to the town where I work, for the first time in forever I saw those purple mountains on the other side. They just looked so beautiful against the tops of the green trees that gathered below them--I couldn't do anything but smile.


I feel happier than I have in a long time. I won't say it is because of the mountains or because of the weather or how my relationship is going, but I can say that the culmination of what is happening in my life today has served to make me realize that I should be grateful. Although I am still striving to reach my goal, I will not sacrifice my current life for one that is yet to come.


My New Years resolution is to make an effort to see the world more clearly--I have to start "noticing the mountains."