Check Marks the Spot

My last shred of self-control is barely hanging on for dear life while the rest of me is begging to bust out the scissors. The New Yorker inside of me is telling me it's okay to explode. The smell of coffee wafts through my mind as a reminder of what I want; I won't let up until I get it.


Sometimes it is better to push until things go your way than to sit and wait while you are trampled. I may not be the boss at either of my jobs, but I feel that I deserve respect for the amount of work I contribute to each company. On the weekends, I enjoy working so much that it almost doesn't feel like work at all, but so far at this new job during the week I feel like I am fighting my way through each day. Now, there is nothing wrong with working hard and clawing your way to your goals, but there is no point in putting in that kind of effort when you are not compensated for it in a timely manner.


The first of the month looms near and I am broke. I owe my Dad money for my cell phone and insurance, I owe it to my credit score to pay off that stupid card before it goes into interest, I will most likely owe the mechanic money to fix my car (if they ever figure out what is happening to it), and--most importantly--I owe my savings account a sizable deposit. Not to mention that this month is Christmas and I have not even started my shopping.


At this point, I feel that I have put forth enough effort in rectifying this situation as is reasonable, yet I am not content to sit back as I am screwed at every turn.

Lost in the Fog of my Thoughts

Although it has previously seemed much easier for me to identify what I want in life, at this moment it seems like it is definitely clear what I don't want. The long hours involved in working two jobs seven days a week have taken their toll and all that is left of me is a shell. At times I feel somewhat sucked of my spirit and drive and wonder if it is really worth the paychecks to push myself so hard. It is very clear to me that I don't want to work at either of these jobs for the rest of my life. I don't want to be stuck doing things that I'm not passionate about. I don't want to put in countless hours and be pushed everyday to do more and more tasks that in no way feasibly fit into one day.


The amount of push might be surprising enough, but what is more surprising to me is the amount of negativity. When I arrived here a few weeks ago, I was easily recognizable as the only ball of sunshine left in the place. I immediately noticed the surplus of raised voices coupled with a feeling of urgency so thick that you could almost see it hanging in the office air. Everyday I walk in at 8am and wonder why I'm here, knowing that I don't belong.


It takes a certain type of person to handle an office job like this and I'm a little unsure I fit the mold. Yes, I'm driven and I get along with many different types of people, but my sense of independence seems to be what is getting in my way. I may take direction and work to complete my large task lists, but I don't do well when I feel someone is disrespecting me or belittling me. Don't get me wrong, I have already made many friends in this office and they are certainly very strong people, but I will never be able to take what they take lying down. My personality obviously gets in the way to the point where something will eventually have to give.


I'm unsure what I should do with these thoughts, but I guess for now I will just internalize them. I can only hope I will make the right decisions and eventually reach my goals.