Although it has previously seemed much easier for me to identify what I want in life, at this moment it seems like it is definitely clear what I don't want. The long hours involved in working two jobs seven days a week have taken their toll and all that is left of me is a shell. At times I feel somewhat sucked of my spirit and drive and wonder if it is really worth the paychecks to push myself so hard. It is very clear to me that I don't want to work at either of these jobs for the rest of my life. I don't want to be stuck doing things that I'm not passionate about. I don't want to put in countless hours and be pushed everyday to do more and more tasks that in no way feasibly fit into one day.
The amount of push might be surprising enough, but what is more surprising to me is the amount of negativity. When I arrived here a few weeks ago, I was easily recognizable as the only ball of sunshine left in the place. I immediately noticed the surplus of raised voices coupled with a feeling of urgency so thick that you could almost see it hanging in the office air. Everyday I walk in at 8am and wonder why I'm here, knowing that I don't belong.
It takes a certain type of person to handle an office job like this and I'm a little unsure I fit the mold. Yes, I'm driven and I get along with many different types of people, but my sense of independence seems to be what is getting in my way. I may take direction and work to complete my large task lists, but I don't do well when I feel someone is disrespecting me or belittling me. Don't get me wrong, I have already made many friends in this office and they are certainly very strong people, but I will never be able to take what they take lying down. My personality obviously gets in the way to the point where something will eventually have to give.
I'm unsure what I should do with these thoughts, but I guess for now I will just internalize them. I can only hope I will make the right decisions and eventually reach my goals.
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