Constantly Searching

Every now and then I get the sudden urge to change my life completely. I start to realize that I have fallen into a routine of some sort and, becoming frustrated, my mind begins to convince me that I'm meant for something else. I've always thought that I was meant for a life of adventure and surprises. I've always known somewhere inside of me that I'm not like everyone else and I don't want to be. I want to tell stories to the world about people and places and food and culture and anything and everything else I can discover in this world. I want to take it all in and help to somehow share it with the world.

I recently met a couple from Germany who was staying at the same Bed and Breakfast in New Jersey as Julio and I. I was so curious and interested in finding out about their lives, what brought them to visit New York and the United States, what food do they enjoy most from home, how they learn to speak English so effortlessly... Something about the interaction with these people sparked something in me and at one point, I made a comment that my husband later brought back to my attention. I said, "There's a bigger world out there than just America." I didn't say it to prove how smart or worldly I thought I was, I just said it because it came to me. And I believe it.

Somehow it seems like people get so involved in their own lives and their own routines and their own selves that they don't open their eyes and see that there are millions of other beings out there in this universe that are chasing after something as well. Or maybe they aren't. Maybe a lot of other people have just settled in to what they have and given into that routine and that life. However, I'd like to think that there are a lot of people out there actively pursuing something--anything. I'd like to believe I'm not the only one who feels destined for adventure and experience. I'd like to believe that the world has been waiting and I need to just seize the day, have at it, and get this show on the road.

Keep My Feet on the Ground and My Head in the Clouds

I'm selfish.


...and I'm okay with that.


Sometimes there is no other choice for me. I am constantly put down for my desires because they are--to my family--a little "out there." They just can't understand why I love my city so much. They won't even give it a chance. It kills me that they actually think all the criticism is helping me--or helping them convince me.


There is no way it ever will.


If anything, they are making me want to push harder and leave sooner. I don't understand the logic that putting me down for going for my dream will accomplish anything but bad feelings. It's like they have no idea who I am anymore... and they don't want to try to find out.


My mom has this fantasy about me that I will marry rich and live in a house with a white picket fence. I will have little girls and drive them around in an SUV. I will constantly wear an apron accompanied by a smile. Except in my version my smile is fake and it's not a fantasy... it's a nightmare.


In my dream, I break that mold-- big-time. In my opinion, some of the most successful people are the ones that break the rules. Sometimes they don't follow the instructions on the package and sometimes their lasagna turns out burnt because of it. Well, I'm willing to eat burnt lasagna every once and a while to make it to my goal.


I know there are still a lot of steps to take and I'm not afraid of the journey. You have to walk before you can run, right?


...well, in my case, you have to crawl before you can walk; you have to walk before you can run...


You have to jump before you learn how to soar...

From Country to City

The bloodhounds creep in from all sides, but the rabbit is not afraid. They slowly and carefully inch in on the rabbit as its head darts back and forth looking for a way out. Once they have overtaken it, they plan to use it for their separate purposes.


One hound will eat the hind legs hoping he too will have the speed and agility that the rabbit once displayed. One hound will eat the rabbit's tall ears hoping to gain the elusive perception that the rabbit once had. Another hound plans to take the rabbit's beautiful fur coat and wear it, hoping to gain the warmth the rabbit once enjoyed. Still another plots to take the rabbit's brain so that he may have as much knowledge as the rabbit did. The last wants to steal the rabbit's soul--perhaps to replace the one that was lost long ago.


All are bearing violent intent just to get what the rabbit has. However, the bloodhounds still lack the speed, perception, warmth, knowledge and spirit that the rabbit will maintain as long as she is still alive.


The rabbit quickly darts between the legs of one of the hounds and escapes the dangerous circle. She spots what appears to be a small hole not far away and jumps inside. Warm inside the hole, she laughs to herself because she knows this is not just a hole--its a tunnel. She burrows through the dirt as the sounds of the howling dogs become more and more distant behind her. As she continues to run--tired and dirty--she begins to question herself just for a moment...


She starts to slow down--only for that moment--until she sees a small beam of light peeking through the other end of her tunnel. She knows in her heart she has almost made it out, so she takes a deep breath and runs as fast as she has ever run. Within moments, she bursts through the dirt and into the light.


She lifts up her sore paws and wipes the remains of the dirt--the reminder of her troubles--out of her eyes. She looks up and smiles realizing the light isn't from one light alone, but from many that burn together.