Happy--with a Chance of Satisfaction?

I was browsing through some more apartments on citi-habitats.com this morning when I came across something nearly indescribable. Yes, I find many of the apartments lovely, but what I came across wasn't really a tangible thing; it was a feeling.


As I clicked through the pictures of tiny, cheap Manhattan studios, I was overcome by a very complicated feeling. To start, I was happy--I was overjoyed to see how cute some of the lower-priced apartments where. I was happy because I knew I would be there someday. However, I was also filled with longing. I sat at my work desk surrounded by files and paperwork and could not think of anywhere I wanted to be less. I was hoping I could fold my arms and wink my way to those apartments; if only we all had I Dream of Genie powers to take us away.


I find it a little perplexing how my moods seem to roll and surge, but at least they make my life interesting. The other day I wrote about happiness--and I'm not saying I have lost that--I just find it interesting how a person can feel happy overall and still be unsatisfied.


Then I had a thought: What if no one is ever satisfied? Are we all doomed to roam the earth searching for our next goal--the next mountain to climb?


What if people could stop talking about living in the moment and just do it? I mean, I will make it to New York because I have to; I won't rest until I do what I have set out to accomplish. However, what if I could just be satisfied to look at those wonderful apartments until I can get there and have one. Why must I feel a rush of dissatisfaction every time I log onto that site?


In keeping with my New Year resolution, I would hope that I could find a place of satisfaction in the moment. I would hope that at some point I can enjoy what I'm doing just for the time that I am doing it.

Climbing Mountains

The year is almost up and I can't help but reflect on how far everything has come. It has been about a year since my best friend moved to the Bay Area; a year has passed since I realized my career passion--journalism--and "re-realized" the passion I have for the man I love. About a year-and-a-half ago I finally rid myself of one of the most literally toxic "relationships" of my life. Since the beginning of last year, my best friend has moved, fallen in love, completed culinary school, and is now about to go on the biggest journey of her life--I could not be more proud of who she is. I have no clue where that person is who taught me so much last year... although I had to learn from my mistakes, I still thank him for somehow aiding in my "life education." About half a year ago, I found a goal and since then I have discovered the true meanings of the words drive and determination.


I can't be more thankful for how lucky I have been in life. I have made a lot of mistakes to get where I am now, but I love the person I have become and where I am in life. I started this blog feeling somewhat negative about my life and I'm proud to say that I can feel that turning around.


It had been a long time since I noticed the beauty of the Southern California mountains out my window each morning. I had driven to work everyday focused on how tired I was and how much I wanted to be somewhere else. As I crawled through the traffic on the 10 freeway, I felt as if I was dragging myself to work each day, waited for my life to begin. It's interesting how one little detail about a place can turn a person's thoughts upside down.


The morning I noticed the mountains again was clear and crisp; I must have been in a good mood because it actually felt like winter outside. One of my favorite radio stations just seemed to play all the right songs in a row and as I come up through the valley to the town where I work, for the first time in forever I saw those purple mountains on the other side. They just looked so beautiful against the tops of the green trees that gathered below them--I couldn't do anything but smile.


I feel happier than I have in a long time. I won't say it is because of the mountains or because of the weather or how my relationship is going, but I can say that the culmination of what is happening in my life today has served to make me realize that I should be grateful. Although I am still striving to reach my goal, I will not sacrifice my current life for one that is yet to come.


My New Years resolution is to make an effort to see the world more clearly--I have to start "noticing the mountains."

Utterly Apalled

In life, we often have to make tough decisions. This weekend, I had to make a decision concerning my finances. Although I do not have to pay rent right now, I still have expenses and lately a lot of unexpected ones have come up. Up to this point, I have been notorious for not knowing how to manage my money well--mostly because I have never had to. I have worked since I was of age to, but somehow my money seems to quickly disappear out of my bank account. To be completely honest, I'm probably wearing half the paychecks I have ever earned... on my feet of course. However, despite evidence to the contrary, because I have had a clear goal (NYC) for the past few months, I have learned to put large chunks of money away into a savings account. I then make it a point to forget that money exists until the appropriate time. I feel like having something to drive me makes me more conscious of how I use my paycheck.


A while back, I discovered an item I thought would be perfect as a wedding gift for my sister. When I decided I should purchase it, I was in much different financial condition than I am now. It was about a month ago, and I had not taken into account that Christmas was coming. I kept putting the expense off because it was a large amount of money and I needed to take care of more important things. My car had been dying on the freeway for months and it was finally in the shop for repairs. I worried that it would require a large amount of money to get it fixed, so I made sure I held onto a chunk of it so that I would not be too far in the hole if that happened. About a week after I got my car back, I found out that my best friend since first grade is going through something that can only be described as life-changing. She lives about seven hours away in Berkeley, CA, so I immediately made the decision to make the flight up to visit her as soon as I could manage it. Meanwhile, Christmas looms ahead and I have yet to buy a single present. It's pretty obvious that something has to give. So I inform the entity holding the item for me that I will probably not be financially able to buy it after all and send my regrets.


Upon hearing this news, this person got completely out of hand and tried chewing me out like it would help the situation. I don't know why I feel the need to write about this, but I'm assuming it has something to do with the fact that the entity never behaved this way towards me in the past month. It feels like despite my efforts to help this person in other ways, I was taken for granted and only seen as a wad of cash.


It is utterly offensive that a person would not be able to understand my situation whether I explain it in detail or not. It just goes to show that the saying I mentioned in an earlier blog is true: In order to reach your goals, you must learn to block out the negative and tune into the positive.


Let this be a lesson: Never expect more out of a person because you will often be disappointed by how human they actually are.

When the Time is Right, I'll Leave this Place Tonight...

You can't always run from the things you don't want to do. In fact, you must often endure the situations you like the least in order to reach the goals you love the most. Goals have to be difficult because if they were easy reaching them would not be a success. Painfully crawling toward a target is what makes it rewarding in the end.


A person who fights to reach a goal can be easily classified as uncharacteristically strong. The world will tell a person that certain goals are out of reach or a waste of time. The key to the achievement of personal goals is to learn to block it out. Block out the negative and only accept the positive. It's impossible to reach a destination without a driving force pushing to get there.


"When the time is right
I'll leave this place tonight
Just leave everything behind
It's time to face my life
We'll trail a path across that gap
Slap back through a crack in time
Is anyone on the other side
Seek and you might find"
-Matisyahu "So Hi So Lo"

Prithee, My Dear, Why Are We Here?

We sat in our tree eating Hostess cupcakes and spying on the boys next door. It was such a big deal if her mom let us venture out of sight around the block. We walked together, content just to talk. We spent so much time together that people thought we were related. They would call us sisters although we looked nothing alike. It might have been the way we read each others minds or how we would throw our heads back and giggle in unison.

We grew up, but I can’t say it was too fast.

In high school, we were so eager to leave—and we did…often. We would sneak out and hop into her clunky old Mazda truck. We would head out of town going as fast as we could on the freeway. (It could barely reach 60mph.) We loved it! We loved how the whole truck shook when it went over 50mph—I guess we didn’t realize we were actually in danger. We would drive through the desert giggling and singing obscure songs no one else knew. We would spend the entire day wandering because our journeys were always much more interesting than our destinations.

Those times are behind us now, but our friendship is not. Although she has gone to follow her dreams, I can still remember her giggling with me up in that tree as we talked about things we knew we could get in trouble for. I still remember putting on those special songs and serenading each other in that shaky truck. We talked about these dreams often, but now for her they are a reality and I could not be more proud of who she has become.

I’m not too far away from reaching my goals either; I look to her for inspiration and support. I know we will both make it where we want to be. No matter how dangerous the road gets, we remember that our journey may well be the most interesting, yet taxing, part.

Washington Heights Apartment

(Picture above is NOT of the outside of the apartment below.)

http://www.citi-habitats.com/viewlisting.php?adID=941159&scroll=1

Love is a very splendid thing.

Love lifts us up where we belong.

All you need is love...

and by that, I mean THIS APARTMENT.

It is BEAUTIFUL!

(Words stolen from one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge.)